Bullying – Advice for parents

This week, we're focusing on bullying, inspired by the release of The Bully Movie.  On Wednesday, we looked at bullying and learning disabilities, and why kids with LD's are more susceptible.

Today, another article from the National Center on Learning Disabilities offering advice for parents of children who are bullied.  You can also go back to September on our blog, when we shared some great advice for parents on dealing with bullying from our own Angela Rudderham. 

Share your stories on bullying and your advice on how to cope with us through your comments. 

The Bridgeway team

Bullying – What’s a Parent to Do?

By Sheldon H. Horowitz, Ed.D. Published: February 17 2012

How familiar are these phrases? Kids will be kids and teasing is normal; they really don’t mean any harm. Just ignore it and it will go away. All you have to do is stand up for yourself. Is this the kind of advice that you would give to your child if they reported being picked on at school? Sure, maybe the first time they were called a name, or the second time they were intentionally pushed to the back of the line in the cafeteria. But is this the approach you would take if your child was singled out in a mean and hurtful way day after day? Of course not! And what about these phrases: You need to remember to use your words instead of your hands. Detention again? Why can’t you stay out of the principal’s office? Did you know the boy who tried to hurt himself because he was picked on? I wonder why she is missing so many days of school… she seems like such a sweet girl. The thoughts and feelings underlying these comments and questions could be unrecognized signs that bullying is taking place. Bullying involves not only the victim, but also the one doing the bullying, and those who stand by and don’t take action. Even when it is not possible to protect the victim from a particular incident, there is no excuse for not taking a stand and taking action that will discourage or prevent bullying behavior from happening again. What should parents do? Stop bullying before it starts. Let everyone know (your child and his friends, school personnel, the bus driver, sports coach… everyone!) that you are on the prowl for signs of bullying and that you expect everyone else to do the same. Preventing and stopping bullying is a shared responsibility, and one that is not voluntary. Ask to see the school-wide no-bullying policy (if they don’t have one, insist that they create one!) and ask that the details regarding recognizing and reporting, consequences, and prevention activities be shared frequently with parents and faculty. Use the word “bullying” with your child; make sure they know what it means. They may not know that the hurtful behavior they are being forced to endure is wrong, mistaking it for “attention” or “acceptance” from peers. If your child is the one doing the bullying, help them to understand the negative impact it has on their status (which is often why they engage in bullying behavior in the first place). And if they are bystanders when bullying is taking place, help them to know what options they have -- doing nothing not being one of them -- without fear of being targeted themselves. Help your child know what to do, and assure them that they will not get in trouble. The perceived consequences of “tattling” could be keeping your child from sharing their bullying experiences. Help your child know the difference between “tattling” and “reporting an incident of bullying.” This is equally important for children who are being victimized, who are themselves the aggressor, or who are bystanders and not speaking up on behalf of those directly involved. Know your rights and don’t be afraid to exercise them. The U.S. government, under both education and civil rights law, recognizes that bullying and harassment are forms of discrimination. Include a goal about bullying in your child’s Individualized Education Program (IEP); ask about bullying at every parent teacher conference; and if bullying issues are not properly addressed, be prepared to file a formal complaint with the Office of Civil Rights. None of these actions are excessive or inappropriate to ensure the safety and well-being of your child. There are lots of topics about which children, parents, and school personnel might disagree, but there should be no question that every individual deserves respect and that it is everyone’s responsibility to protect the physical and emotional wellbeing of every child, treating them as valued and respected members of the community

The Truth about Bullying and LD

The issue of bullying is getting a lot of attention this month, thanks to the release of the report by the cyberbullying task force in Nova Scotia, Respectful and Responsible Relationships: There's No App For That, and the premiere of The Bully Movie.

Kids with learning disabilities and other special needs are especially vulnerable to bullying.  That's usually because their differences - academic struggles, social skills deficits, etc. - make them different, and being different makes them a target.  Is it any wonder that kids with LDs are also more susceptible to anxiety and depression?

The National Center for Learning Disabilities is currently focusing on bullying and its impact on kids with LDs.  Here's a great article they recently published looking at bullying and LD.

The Bridgeway team


The Truth about Bullying and LD

By Sheldon H. Horowitz, Ed.D. Published: February 17 2012

It’s hard to assign a number to describe the incidence of bullying — data from different sources report different findings — but one thing is certain; the deeper you dig, the clearer it becomes that the prevalence of bullying is staggering. * Statistics 10% of children report having been the victims of severe bullying at least once during the school year 75% report being bullied at least once during the past 10 months 25-50% report being bullied at some point during their school years Every day, more than 160,000 students skip school because they are fearful of being bullied 40-75% of bullying incidents in school take place during class breaks, in the lunchroom, bathroom, or hallways And how about these findings? 30% of children who suffer from food allergies report being bullied at school (sometimes by verbal taunting but more often, by having the allergen thrown or waved at them!) 30% of children who report having been bullied said they sometimes brought weapons to school 60% of boys who engaged in bullying behavior during grades 1-9 were convicted of at least one crime by age 24 The average bullying episode lasts only 37 seconds, and school personnel are reported to notice or intervene in only one in 25 incidents (in contrast to another report where teachers said they intervened 71% of the time and students reported teachers taking action only 25% of the time) Whether the number is 10% or 75%, the message is clear: bullying is widespread, often goes unnoticed, and can have immediate and long-lasting consequences. And what about students with learning disabilities? Are children with LD at special risk for being harassed, bullied, or intimidated? Consider the following: A second grader with dyslexia whose difficulties with decoding unfamiliar words results in giggling and name calling whenever he is called upon to read aloud or write on the board in class (with this taunting more often than not carrying over into other setting, such as the cafeteria and school yard, and leaving an indelible impression about this child that will mark him as different for years to come) A fifth grader with LD and AD/HD who, despite her enthusiasm, creativity, and deep knowledge of the subject matter, is always the last to be chosen by peers for group projects because of her disorganized approach to work and her need for initial modeling and structure when working on assignments A ninth grader with LD and AD/HD who is told not to climb on the new gym equipment but is egged on by his peers until he succumbs and breaks the rules, resulting in punishment and further victimization by his peers An eleventh grader with LD who struggles with rapid reading and short-term memory and comprehension deficits whose guidance counselor is discouraging him from setting his sights on enrollment in a competitive college physics and robotics program (when math and science are areas in which he excels academically) Some might agree that these are examples of bullying behavior, and others might say that they describe how individuals with LD often suffer from the “soft bigotry of low expectations.” The reality is that all students are vulnerable to the negative impact of bullying, and students with dyslexia and specific learning disabilities, AD/HD and other disorders that impact learning and behavior are indeed at special risk. They are often vulnerable by virtue of their having low self-esteem triggered by low achievement. They might see themselves as outsiders in their peer groups and often have trouble making and keeping friends because their need for special types of intervention, accommodations and support are misunderstood. What can parents and other concerned adults do to diffuse the powerful negative impact of bullying? Don’t wait for bullying to present as a problem. Assume it is happening, assume that students are at risk, that teachers and other school personnel are either unaware or incapable of dealing with this problem alone, and that it’s just a matter of time before someone close to you is effected by bullying. Parents need to know that their comments and complaints about bullying (to children, other parents, and school personnel) are taken seriously and they should not hold back sharing information in fear of retribution or ostracism. Punishing the bully is not the answer. Pointing a finger at the perpetrator doing the bullying may seem like a feel-good answer to the problem, but it is only the tip of the iceberg and will likely not change the person’s behavior. The underlying problem has much more to do with how each person, in school, at home, and in the community appreciates diversity. Whether a person has big ears or long legs, whether they have light skin or dark features, whether they are athletic of klutzy, outgoing or reserved, or whether they are accelerated learners or have special learning needs, the ways that we talk about these differences and the underlying value we place upon these individuals needs to be clear: everyone is deserving of respect. Period. No exceptions. Provide support for everyone involved. No single approach to preventing or stopping bullying is recommended for all situations, but a number of options have been found to be effective. They include: Implementing school-wide anti-bullying awareness programs that include all members of the school community, setting clear expectations and acknowledging and rewarding positive behaviors and acceptance of diversity in ways that are visible and recognized Offering social skills training and other such interventions for students who are likely to be perpetrators or victims of bullying Creating safe and confidential ways for students to report bullying Conducting parent awareness and training programs that link to school policies and practices regarding reporting bullying and resolving conflicts in ways that minimize stigma to the children involved Improving vigilance by school faculty and student leaders (especially in often unsupervised areas) so that bullying behavior is recognized and stopped What can parents do? The best advice is to follow your heart…. and stop bullying from claiming your child as its next victim. *The statistics cited come from a variety of sources: 55 Facts about Bullying; References and Resources from StopBullying.gov; Walk a Mile in their Shoes: Bullying and the Child with Special Needs; and Bullying Statistics.

Bully - The Movie

We have only seen the previews, but we can already tell that Bully is going to be an important movie.  A few of our staff have been invited to a preview of the movie in Halifax tomorrow night, and we hope to share some of their thoughts here after they have had a chance to see it.

In the meantime, you can watch the preview below and visit the Bully movie website for more information.  This movie is only scheduled to go into full release in a few Canadian cities, so be sure to demand it in your community by clicking here.

The Bridgeway team

Bullying - a visual you'll never forget

A teacher shared this story with me the other day.  She told me about a conversation she had with one of our students about bullying.  He told her that when he thought about bullying, he thought about a piece of paper.  Words and actions that hurt others are like taking a crisp, white piece of paper and crumpling it.  No matter how hard you try to smooth it out after it has been crumpled, it's impossible to make it perfect and flat again.  The wrinkles, like the words that hurt, never go away.

Wise words I won't soon forget.

Rhonda

Rick's rant - Why standing up matters

If you were on Facebook this week, listened to the radio or watched TV, you probably heard that Rick Mercer did a rant on teen suicide.  If you haven't seen it, you can watch it below. 

Rick talks about a young gay man dealing with depression, who was also the victim of bullying.  But Jamie is just one of 300 young people who will commit suicide in this country this year. 

Why do kids kill themselves?  The reasons are far too complex to go into here.  What we can say is that they're all in pain, and they want the pain to stop.  Often, they're different.  Usually, they feel alone.

I have ranted about bullying here before.  I don't want to any more.  What I'd like to see is a complete shakeup in our schools.  Why are there so many social pressures in junior high and high school, and what can we do to change it?  Why is university or college so much less socially stressful (usually) than high school? 

Until we figure that out, let's try to live by Rick Mercer's words: "It's no longer good enough for us to tell kids who are different it's gonna get better.  We have to make it better now.  That's every single one of us.  Every teacher, every student, every adult has to step up to the plate."

Three hundred kids is definitely 300 too many.

Dealing with Bullies: Who is standing up for our kids?

Today is provincial Stand Up Against Bullying day.  We all know someone who has been bullied, or we have suffered at the hands of a bully ourselves.  Children with learning disabilities are especially vulnerable because they're "different".  Now that kids are back in school, they will be dealing with bullying once again.  We all have a responsibility to protect kids from hurtful behaviours.  Here is some advice on what you can do.

Thanks to Angela Rudderham for allowing us to republish this article today.  You'll find this article and more information for supporting youth with social, behavioural and organizational skills in the weeks to come on the new Turning Tides blog site - www.turningtidescommunity.blogspot.com

Rhonda

By Angela Rudderham, Director of Turning Tides Community Outreach

For a child who is bullied, there are a plethora of emotions they are left to struggle with; fear, embarrassment, helplessness, rejection and worthlessness are just a few.  These are real emotions that can lead to serious stress-related health problems.  Our children deserve our protection, but we often excuse these experiences as a part of growing up.  I would argue that these experiences are not a necessary part of growing up; families, schools and communities could be making the eradication of bulling behaviours a higher priority than it currently is.  I believe the lack of action is because we are at a loss of what we can do both for the bully and the bullied.

Developing our ability to recognize bullying is key, both at home and at school.  Most of us know that bullies can attack their victims physically by punching, kicking, restraining, spitting and so on.  But there is the lesser known form of emotional bullying, which is harder to identify.  This can take the form of insults, rumours, slander, threats, exclusion, name-calling and so on.  This form of bullying leaves lasting invisible scars on the victim and changes who they are and who they become.

Recognizing the signs, at home or in school, that someone is being rejected, targeted or isolated can be very challenging.  Parents may see a change in behaviour such as mood swings, outbursts, depressed demeanour or reports of feeling too sick to go to school.  The victim may be so embarrassed that they act as if they are having the time of their life or that nothing is wrong.  
Parents can do their part by talking to their children about their social life.  Often times we ask our children how their day was and they will reply with the typical “fine”.  If you want a specific answer from your child ask a specific question, such as, “Who did you eat lunch with today?”, “Did you sit with anyone on the bus?”  If your child discloses social difficulties to you, say as little as possible.  Listen first. Avoid judgement by saying things like, “You should have never hung out with those kids in the first place.”  Don’t support victimized thinking through statements like, “You poor thing, this is so unfair.” Instead ask questions such as, “How are you dealing with this?”, “Do you have a plan?”
  
Help your child be proactive, and identify why they have become a target.  Are there circumstances within their control that they can change or do?  Sometimes bullies will target an individual that stands out and sometimes the reason is not clear.  Teach the bullied child to problem solve.  Help the victim identify three possible plans of action and then the worst possible outcome for all three plans.  What possible outcome will they be able to live with?  This will become their plan of action.  Does the child need help with their social skills, hygiene, weight, appearance or grades?  Perhaps it is a matter of getting the victim help for dealing with a senseless rejection.  In any case, ignoring the problem will not lead to a solution.

In school, the bullied child may show externalizing behaviours such as; outbursts, fights or a poor attitude, each as a result of the frustration they feel.  The victim may also develop internalizing behaviours such as withdrawal, a slip in grades, increased absences or self harm.  School personnel should be trained in identifying the signs and encouraged by their administrators to follow through in the reporting process.  Every school should have procedures and policies in place to deal with situations surrounding bullying.  An extra effort to communicate these policies to all parents, students and staff should be taken.  Students will only regard these policies as seriously as school personnel take them.  If we throw our hands up and say there is nothing the school can do, then the message we are sending is that we have lost control of our student’s behaviour and we are not concerned.  

Parents can ask schools about their policies surrounding bulling issues and schools can keep the lines of communication open with parents.  When parents and school work together and support each other, change comes sooner rather than later.