Positive Parenting for Tired Parents

To gain control of the situation, we must first gain control of ourselves

By Angela Rudderham, Director of Behaviour and Social Skills, Bridgeway Academy

You love them, provide for them, sacrifice for them, and have at least twenty years of life experience over them; however, this alone probably won’t save you from dramatic statements such as, “You’re ruining my life.” If you have children, then you’re probably worried constantly about doing the right thing for them. This can be mentally and physically exhausting on you and your entire family. Here are a few tips to accomplishing more parenting with less energy.

Find your magic silent voice
Have there been times during parenthood when you’ve felt like the teacher on a Charlie Brown cartoon? It’s as if your child is only hearing, “Wa wa wa wa wa” when you speak. There are a few reasons for this. On average, we give our children over 2000 compliance requests a day - get ready, put your shoes away, wash your hands, use a tissue etc. The result? They’re really good at tuning us out.

It’s been my experience that the more a parent nags and yells the less a child will listen. Like the Elvis song says, “a little less conversation, a little more action,” might be the solution. When you need your child to do something, start with a calm, polite request. If the child doesn’t act, make the request again, but also tell him what will happen if he chooses not to comply. Do not repeat this request more than once.

If the child still doesn’t comply, calmly and silently follow through on the consequence you said would happen. Here’s an example. “Johnny, I need you to pick up your toys in the next five minutes.” Set a timer for him for 5 minutes. You notice there are 60 seconds left and Johnny has not moved. Now you say in a very calm and quiet voice, “Johnny, I need you to pick up your toys in the next minute. If you don’t, it shows you are not able to take care of them and mommy will have to take them away for a few days.”

If he hasn’t acted by the time the timer runs out, then quietly and kindly pick up the toys. If he is upset and protesting simply do not engage in reasoning and bargaining or explaining again. You can empathize in one short sentence. “I really wish you had made the right choice because mommy doesn’t like to see you sad and angry.” Do not have any further discussion. Remember the goal is energy conservation.

All serious requests should be done by lowering your voice rather than raising your voice. If you look at history’s greatest leaders, you’ll notice that they used dramatic pauses and lowered their tone and volume to hold their listeners’ attention. Yelling will only exhaust you and prevent your child from hearing your voice.

Stop feeling guilty about having to work

We live in a busy world and have responsibilities and obligations outside the home. You should not feel guilty about modeling a productive lifestyle to your child as long as you are fully present when spending time with your child. It truly is about quality over quantity. Children know when you are pretending to listen or if your mind in on something else. This why you can be with them for hours every day and still hear your child say, “You never spend any time with me.”

If this is the only type of interaction your children have with you, their self-esteem may suffer. They will also quickly realize they can receive your full attention when you are angry. Negative attention is better than no attention. Instead, set aside definite quality time with your child. It can be 15 minutes a day or a full Saturday. What matters is that you don’t try to multi-task. Trying to answer the phone, check your email or do the dishes will take away from your ability to focus on your child.

Also remember not to judge your child during your time together. Remember, feelings are never wrong. For example, if your child complained of, “never getting to have fun,” trying validating her feelings by asking what types of activities she thinks would be fun instead of providing examples of why that isn’t true. When parents feel guilty, they have a tendency to over indulge their child. They may allow poor behaviour or expensive gifts so that the child will not be mad at them. This does not teach the child responsibility or love.

Do not engage
Young people will often test the person in charge. When they aren’t satisfied with the final word, they may argue, throw fits or bring up new or past issues. Don’t take the bait. When you become upset or rattled you have lost your authority. More importantly, the issue is lost in a pile of shouts and accusations that usually end with slamming doors and soaked pillows. This is very emotionally draining and is not teaching assertive communication.

When your child starts to raise their voice, insult or be disrespectful in any way, you need to remain calm and end the conversation. Your child will learn quickly that she cannot communicate with you in an aggressive way because she will lose her audience. Simply say, “When you are able to speak properly to me you can try again,” and leave. You are then truly controlling the situation and saving yourself a lot of energy.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world but it doesn’t have to be as stressful as we sometimes make it. Remember to stay calm and use your problem-solving skills rather than raw emotion.
If you would like more positive parenting tips check out Bridgeway Academy’s workshop series.